February 4, 2008

• Click here and check out this news story!  Kids are getting detention for flatulence!  Now what criteria, pray tell, does one use to tell if the offense is of a natural or unnatural nature?  I suppose intentional visceral support would provide volume and harmonics.  I had this happen in a kiddies' Bible class once, and it was a really viciously smelly one.  The kid asked if he could step out for a bit, and he was granted instant permission.  After he left the other kids all snickered meanly, and I told them I knew that they had all done the same thing sometime during the short course of their little lives.  It was funny to see the sudden serious expressions on the faces of those four and fivers.  I must have uttered the truth and the farter's face was saved.

  At one of Yukinori's parent - teacher conferences the schoolmarm expressed the opinion that the voluminous emissions from his upper digestive tract were of such volume, harmonic quality and length that she found it difficulty in believing that they were occurring naturally.  I knew that he had been polishing his belching skills at home.  I had introduced him to the sport and he totally surpassed me with his ability to open his entire esophagus for optimal air intake.  According to Yukinori, the other boys in the class would shout, "Bravo!!" and, "Encore!!" after his post-lunchtime arias and I was secretly quite proud of him, but I suppose that it would have been impossible to expect similar appreciation from the teacher.  A few years later he redirected his visceral efforts towards playing the trumpet.

  My son also got in trouble at school for drinking milk through his nose, an idea that he picked up from one of those "don't try this at home" shows.  His performance art was popular with everyone except the teacher.  I even had the pleasure of receiving a phone call from school.  "Do you know what your son did at school today?!"  It was surprising that she was more angry about the fact that it seemed Yukinori had unable to withstand peer pressure to drink milk through his nose than the actual nasal consumption itself.  I did not upset her further with the fact that the peer pressure was non existent and that the nasal imbibing was probably done entirely of one's own accord and desire for five minutes of fame.  Hey, she could have been calling me about worse things, like fighting in school, injuries, lawsuits and whatever. 

  I encouraged Yukinori to desist the practice because God designed noses for other purposes such as breathing, and I was afraid that he might damage his inner nasal plumbing.  I mean, how do I explain infected yoghurt deposits to the Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat man?  (The same way I explain a rabbit turd stuck in my own ear?  But that is another story.)  I also question the palatability of salinated milk, but as one is bypassing the functions of the tongue this might not be a factor.  Now that I have lost my readership...

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