February 18, 2020
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Importance of Play - Disobedient Toddlers
Did you know that the right brain develops first? It does so by the time children are 3-4 years of age. The left brain, on the other hand, doesn’t fully come online until children are approximately seven years old; hence the first seven years being recognized as such a critical period in child development.
“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” ~ Albert Einstein
The left brain’s functionality is one of language, numeracy, literacy, analysis and time. It is the logical, calculating, planning, busy-bee part of us that keeps us anchored in the pragmatic world, and in past and future. The right brain, on the other hand, is responsible for empathy, intuition, imagination and creativity. It is where we wonder, dream, connect and come alive. Through the right brain we dwell in the space of no-time, in being absolutely present. While the left brain is more interested in outcomes or product, the right brain cares much more about process—the journey is what matters, not the destination.
But there is one more vital piece to understand: The right brain connects us to our boundless sense of being. Being is primary; hence the right brain developing first; hence, human being, not human doing. The left brain is far more interested in doing. Young right-brain dominant children, by contrast, are quite content being.
Understanding this we can better appreciate why play is so important in child learning and development, and why we need to be extra careful with the amount and timing of academic agendas created for children; with how much we emphasize product—what kids have accomplished at school—versus process—who they are becoming and what they feel in their explorations. That the right brain develops first is pertinent information for those in the field of education, as well as parents, regarding what is developmentally appropriate. Pushing literacy and numeracy on children before age seven may just be harmful to their little, developing brains. Without the capacity to use their academic minds in the ways that are being asked can cause children to gain what’s called “learned stupidity.” They believe themselves to be incapable and lose their natural desire to learn.
The push for academia on children is a symptom of a society that is left brain dominant, or forgetful of the wonderful playground that is the right brain. It’s an indicator that we feel safer within the literalness, control and certainty of the left brain, far more than in the unquantifiable and mysterious nature the right brain connects us to.
You cannot measure the qualitative aspects of imagination, empathy and intuition; but, of course, you can measure the aforementioned practical detail-oriented functions associated with the left brain. Yet the more we push those things that can be measured onto children, the more they will grow up feeling like they don’t measure up!
Let’s remember that life is less about the tools the left brain excels in and what we accomplish in this world. Rather, life is about being present and connecting with those you love, or those you don’t even know as children do so freely:
“Walking to the library this morning, I passed on the sidewalk a little child, maybe two years old and his mother”, wrote a friend of mine. “As I neared, the child looked at me, his eyes so alive and present, and when I said ‘Hi’, he stooped and picked up a soggy leaf from the ground and handed it to me. Oh, the abundance and beauty of this world!”
This is the gift of the right brain. While the left brain sunders life into pieces, the right brain unites. This is why babies sense no distinction between themselves and their environment. All is one!
These wise little teachers remind us, courtesy of their right brain, that life is about enjoying the little things, about enchantment and surprise; it’s about being present with another, offering them your gentle ear, hearing between the lines, not just what is being said, which is what logic grasps. With the help of the right brain we touch the hidden places in our heart and in the hearts of others, those secret dimensions that give meaning to life.
The right brain is indeed the playground, or at least, it connects us to it. Let children dwell in this most natural state through their unstructured play, and all its derivatives such as doodling, curiosity, wonder and imagination. People who have a healthy right brain can better use their left brain tools in positive ways. That is the purpose of the left-logical brain: to serve the right brain—doing serves being. Being is the soil from which all our plans, details and actions must flower if we are to experience personal fulfillment and truly contribute to the world.
“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” ~ Albert Einstein
Disobedient Toddler - From Focus on the Family
It's important for your disobedient child to know two important facts: 1) You love him unconditionally; and 2) You are in charge — and he isn't.I’ve often thought that there is one truth understood by parents better than some of the most learned philosophers: Little children are not inherently virtuous. Rather, they come hardwired with a will, boundless energy to express their interests and powerful emotions to display if they aren’t satisfied. If you have any doubt that humankind is a fallen race, you have yet to spend any length of time in close quarters with a toddler.
One startling development with toddlers around 18 months of age is their disobedience of rules that you have made abundantly clear — and how they make sure you’re around to see those rules broken. This is somewhat different than earlier stages, when your child’s insatiable curiosity would simply override his memory, so he might explore an object after you have told him to leave it alone — seven times. Now, he can understand simple rules very well, and he won’t always operate in stealth mode, a routine practice for older rule-breakers. Instead, he may trot right over to the curtains you just told him not to touch, wait until you’re watching, look you in the eyes (perhaps with a grin to boot) and give them a healthy tug. He is extremely interested in your response, and it is crucial that you give him one with substance. This behavior represents an important developmental milestone for your toddler. He is developing a budding sense of identity, an awareness that it is possible to make things happen and a compelling need to find out how far his newfound capabilities can take him.
Your response, as often as possible, should be measured, loving and calm. When all is said and done, your child needs to know and understand two very important facts: First, that you love him fervently and unconditionally; and second, that you are in charge and he isn’t. If either or both of these messages are not clearly established by around the second birthday, life during the following years is likely to be more difficult. Here are a few reminders as you weave these two principles into life:
Be the launch pad
Above all else, your toddler needs to know that she is loved, accepted and “at home” with you — even when you won’t give her everything she wants. She needs loving words and actions all day long, and she will come to you frequently for them, often with arms outstretched, as she seeks cuddles and hugs, comfort after a fall, help with a problem, your enthusiastic reaction to something she has brought you, invitations to play and confirmation that you are still “there” when she has not seen you for a few minutes. For a toddler, these approaches provide some critical fact-finding about how things work, how to get help and who cares about her. They can also have a major impact on the way she interacts with the world in subsequent years: After determining that her “base of operations” is safe and secure, she will be able to explore an expanding world around her.
Balance love and limits
Your child will challenge you, and if you aren’t prepared and willing to meet him confidently when he does, you may find yourself living with a miserable, demanding 2- or 3-year-old — or even a full-fledged miniature tyrant.
Children need, and actually fervently seek, consistent boundaries and ground rules. Expressing love and enforcing understood limits are not contradictory, but intimately related. Allowing a child to have her way without any restraint is not an expression of love. At the other extreme, harsh, rigid or authoritarian treatment of children, even if it produces apparent model citizens, isn’t an appropriate exercise of limit setting. If you meet every departure from perfect decorum with harsh words and an iron fist, your opportunities to shape his will, impart moral standards and serve as a role model will be squandered. Whatever good behavior you see will be based on raw fear and, once soured with a few years of resentment, will be discarded at the first available opportunity. Be consistently reasonable, calm, loving — and in charge.
Don’t agonize over mistakes
You don’t need to do everything perfectly this year to bring up a healthy, delightful child. A few mistakes, or even getting on the wrong track for a number of weeks, isn’t going to ruin his life. God has granted parents a good deal of time on the learning curve and given children a great deal of resiliency. So take a deep breath, fasten your seat belt and stay on your knees — not just when you’re picking up toys.
Enjoy the journey
A common mistake made by parents of toddlers is to get caught in a maintenance — or even survival — mode. As much as they need food, safety, cleanups and diaper changes, toddlers also need the important grown-ups in their life to be fascinated with them. “Lord, give me the strength to get through this day” may be the repeated cry of the parent’s heart, but with it should come a postscript: “Lord, help me understand and appreciate this incredible creation You have loaned to me.”
Don’t forget to step back once in a while to marvel at this little person you are nurturing. Indeed, your toddler is no less “fearfully and wonderfully made” now that he is tearing all over the house than he was while he was being knit together in his mother’s womb.
